THE RELATIONSHIP CONTAINER
Last week on my (yoga) mat I had an epiphany!
It dawned on me that I had not made the same commitment to my relationship that my partner has. I can feel he has made the ‘forever’ commitment to me and our relationship – in fact he has said as much, many times. I too have said those same things in return, many times. However, the truth unfolded early into my practice and I saw that I had still been living in fear while he appears to be steadfast in his commitment.
In Downward Facing Dog, as the blood gently came into my head and relaxed my mind, something shifted for me that I had been struggling with for weeks. What this realisation opened up for me is that he is not sure about me. In the same way that I am not sure about him. Nevertheless, what he is sure about is his commitment to our relationship. He knows this is The Relationship he wants to pour his soul, his energy and his love into. This was such an ‘ah ha’ moment for me – understanding that he cannot be sure about me because we can never truly be sure about anyone!
And as these current times are teaching us all, we most certainly cannot be sure about what the future holds.
What matters here is the commitment he has made to himself, and subsequently, to our relationship. He has promised himself that he will try. He has promised himself that he will give of his all to ensure this relationship is strong, steady and safe. I know this because he has told me. I know this because he shows me every day how far he is willing to go for our relationship.
We had been experiencing much friction in our union and during those times I found myself questioning him, both inwardly to myself and verbally to him directly. How can he be so sure about me? How can he be so sure about us? What is it that he understands that I don’t? Do we both want this to work so badly that we are overlooking our actually compatibility? Are we ignoring the few, but noticeable differences between us? Or do these differences strengthen us, and we are absolutely on the right path together in our union?
When I doubt the relationship, when I doubt him, I can often find myself spiralling. I start to question everything we are doing together, working towards. This is a painful place to sit especially as I understand that these thoughts are wholly unhelpful to me, to him and to our relationship, undermining that which we have so far created lovingly between us.
So this epiphany came with ahuge sense of relief. I can see now that I have been waiting to feel 100% certain about my partner as a person, before allowing myself to fully surrender to the experience of our relationship. But it doesn’t work like that! We can never be totally sure of another person, of how they will (or won’t) grow with us in the future. There can be no 100% certainty, no 100% knowing of another person (or of anything in life for that matter!) - it is simply not possible. Each beautiful soul who crosses our path is their own unique entity, on their own unique path, just as we are on ours. In my waiting and wanting to feel completely sure about this person I had been cutting myself off from much of the wonder and joy that a loving committed relationship has to offer.
Now here’s the other part of my realisation. The commitment we make when we step forward into Sacred Union with another, is not only a commitment to that person, but also commitment to ourselves and the relationship. We make the commitment to try, to be all in; to the best of our abilities. I understand now that making this commitment to myself and the relationship will be easier moving forward than making the commitment to my partner. For another person will always be lacking in some area or another. We can continually find fault when we go looking for it, just as they will be able to find fault and flaws within us, if that is what they choose to search out.
Another person will always travel with their own emotional baggage for we are human, and to Human is to be flawed, to be perfectly imperfect. So rather than focusing on what’s missing in our partner, I invite you to join me in making the commitment to focus on the container of the relationship and then making that container all we need it to be.
Personally when I think of what I need the container of my relationship to look like, these qualities come to mind – safety, honestly, respect, space, authenticity, openness, willing to understand and common ‘goals’– happily I have found all these with my current partner. Now here is something I can get behind, I can 100% commit to this container!
When you find the right person to create a relationship container with, try committing to that rather than putting so much pressure on yourself and the other person. Treat the relationship container like a 3rd entity. There is you, your partner and then your Sacred Union. Be mindful when doing this work that both of you are on the same page and you both truly want to create the relationship entity together. This then allows both partners to show up as unique, messy, authentic selves without fear of judgement, knowing you are loved within the safe container that holds your irreplaceable and ever-evolving love.